single income, no kids

Email Addresses

J: He said he thought my email was J AT GMAIL DOT COM. Does he think I’m Mark Zuckerberg?? Does he think I invented the Internet?!

“I’m wary of any seafood restaurant that also has an outpost in an airport.”

Two Year Anniversary

J: Our fake 2 year anniversary is coming up. We have to give cotton (traditional) or china (contemporary).

S: Is it? Oh yes, April 1. I will send you some cotton balls.

J: I want one of those Hermès chaine d’ancre plates.

S: I bet you do. Maybe I will make you this:

J: Cute. A thoughtful gift.

On Brunch

M*: I’ll be passed out from diabetic shock with a discarded maple syrup container next to my body.

That’s how I end brunch.

*guest contributor

Banned Foods

S: The event I attended last night had three different kinds of skewered meats.

J: W
ere a lot of people awkward gnawing?

S: I don’t know, I was
chatting most of the time… except when I shamefully ate my skewers in a corner. They are so awkward because it’s hard to get the meat off the skewer with a fork, so you’re forced to either gnaw it off or use your fingers. Horrible.

J: Yeah, I am putting skewers on the banned list. Along with lobster. “Too much work!” Food should be easy to eat in America.

They now sell kinds of snickers and butterfingers and whatever in a bag that reads, “easy to eat!” #america

S: I always thought unwrapping a candy bar was too much work.

J: Y
eah, so for people like you they now sell them in larger bags unwrapped.

"Easy to eat!"

I love it.

On Foreign Hipster Restaurants

J: It was one of these precious hipster establishments where everything on the menu is “limited,” so they ran out of a lot of stuff because it was so late by the time we ordered. They even ran out of chicken breast skewers… At a yakitori restaurant! I’m like how does this restaurant run out of chicken breast? We are in China. Kill another chicken.

S: Yeah, go out back.

Happy Birthday, Old Friend

P2*: I try to keep as little info available to the public on Facebook as possible. Too many idiots on there. I purge and purge and I still have too many friends.

S: Yeah, I have tons I don’t know now. Probably people I had like one class with in college and we worked on a project together. Now they are married and pop up in my feed and I’m like, who are you?

P2: Yup. I unfriend people on their birthdays. Haha. I haven’t talked to them in years and then I look at bdays and am like who is that? I don’t know you because you got married and changed your name and now I don’t recognize you.



S: LOL, that’s hilarious.

P2: Yeah, I kinda feel bad but whatever.

*Guest contributor

On Cooking

S: We must have gas. I hate electric ranges. Gross.

J: Yeah, electric ranges are nonsense. Even induction… I can’t wrap my head around that.

Waffle Savant

Talking about some waffles someone posted on Instagram:

J: Those are Aunt Jemima brand.

S: How do you know?

J: I am fairly certain. Frozen waffles were a major food group of mine when I was a yoot.*

S: Are you a store-bought waffle expert?

J: Yup.
   Add to resume.
   I am like the rainman of waffles.

*slang for ‘youth’

“This is like the fodder of legend. I am dying.”

J on a May December romance.